While I'm inclined to agree, I think it is high time that this theory be scientifically proved or disproved. Someone should give me $18 million, and then I will tell whether I'm happy.

I've always found it somewhat odd, the incredible value that we assign to money. For example, a $1 bill will buy you a refreshing ice-cold Coca-Cola, but that does not mean that the value of a $1 bill is equal to the deliciousness of Coke. In Paris, that same $1 bill will buy you absolutely nothing. The $1 bill is only worth a Coke in the United States because we say it is.

In truth, the inherent value of that $1 bill is not that great. It's got some pretty pictures on it, and art certainly has a value, but beyond that, what actual use does a $1 bill have? I suppose it's flammable, so, if you have lots of them you can stay warm, but that's about it.

Arguably, the inherent value of a quarter is greater than that of a $1 bill, because the quarter, too, has pretty pictures, but it is also hard -- if used in conjunction with a slingshot, a quarter can help to protect you against a panther. A quarter can also be used as a guitar pick or fishing weight.

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I was pondering all this the other day when, suddenly, the windows of my apartment began to rattle and the room was flooded with a brilliant light. I ran to the window and saw, hovering above the alleyway, a long, slender spaceship.

Then, there was a knock at the door. A small, light-green space alien wearing a shiny suit and brown tie and holding a clipboard let himself into my apartment.

ALIEN: "Good evening, my name is Zarnon. I'm with the Intergalactic Planning Commission. I'm double-parked, so I'll get right to the point: The IPC is considering obliterating this little planet of yours to make room for some new condos ..."

ME: "Obliterating?"

ALIEN: "Yeah. You're in the way. And these are really nice condos -- all the amenities: pool, hot tub, sauna, tennis courts; the works."

ME: "That does sound nice. How much would they cost?"

ALIEN: "Ha. They're way beyond the price range of anything that lives on this planet. I mean, the only thing your money is good for is keeping warm. No, you would all be obliterated along with the planet."

ME: "That's no good."

ALIEN: "Yeah, we were pretty sure you'd say something like that. So, the IPC has elected to give mankind an opportunity to prove its worth. What I need from you are two examples of what mankind has accomplished. You are the third and last person I will speak to today, and I must say that the weight is on your shoulders. So far today, I have spoken to a man from Tennessee, who insists that the two greatest accomplishments of mankind are Skoal chewing tobacco and Toby Keith. And a woman in Nantes, France, suggested that France and the 1980s rock band Scorpion are the best you have come up with. Those things just make me want to obliterate your planet even more."

ME: "That's understandable."

ALIEN: "And before you give me your two things, let me just warn you that if you say, 'The Internet,' I will evaporate you right now. While I'm amused at your attempts to use it for something other than pornography, I am utterly unimpressed by the Internet. We've had it for centuries."

ME: "OK. It's simple. The two greatest accomplishments of mankind are knitting and beer."

ALIEN: "OK. This planet's toast."

ME: "No, hear me out. Have you ever looked at a sweater? That is some seriously outside-the-box thinking right there. First of all, someone had to look at a sheep and think, 'Instead of eating that animal, I am going to shave it.' Then they took all those shavings and turned them into one really long piece of string, or yarn. That in itself is impressive, but they didn't stop there. Once they had all this yarn, they took it and knotted it all up in such a way that it became something for them to wear -- that's all a sweater is: one long piece of string tied up in knots. Then they made scarves and socks and blankets and tea cozies and little booties for infants."

ALIEN: "Wow. You're right. Who in your culture practices this great art?"

ME: "Little old ladies, mostly."

ALIEN: "No wonder the AARP is so powerful."

ME: "Beer is also a great accomplishment, and another example of inventive thinking. It's made of barley and hops, which, if you didn't know any better, look a lot like grass. That means that some bloke was walking through a field one day and thought to himself, 'What a beautiful field this is. I wish I could drink it.'"

ALIEN: "What a brilliant man he must have been. OK, you've convinced me -- we'll move the condos over to the next solar system -- it's uninhabited. And if you've got time, I'd like to buy you a beer; I know a great pub just past Alpha Centuri."

So, tonight, gentle reader, as you throw another stack of $20 bills on the fire, sip your Guinness, and bind off the stitches of your new scarf, know that you have me to thank for your continued existence.

I don't ask much in return, only $18 million.

Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday.