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Double Take: Moving Beyond Friendship

Should He Make A Move Or Go With The Flow?

Updated: 8:37 a.m. EST November 11, 2003

Dear Double Take,
There is this girl in my life who is unbelievable. We're incredibly close friends, and I want there to be something more. We know each other like no other could. I've been able to pick up on things that her mother (the closest person to her) could not.
But there are several issues that confuse me about what she wants. We have had many talks about relationships -- hers, mine, how they don't work, and other people suck. We both agree that the best relationships come from the best of friendships.
There was an awkward time when she thought I was going to ask her out. I told her I noticed the awkwardness forming and couldn't allow that. I informed her that, yes, over the four-year period of knowing her, I have had feelings for her and may, some day, have them again. But I said that I needed her to know that I understood that we are just friends right now.
That was over 6 months ago, and since then, everything has been fine. Now there have been recent physical interactions that she has started and accepted from me, like my arm around her as we walk. She makes jokes about me and her sexually, yet when I make sexual references, they are met with an "EEWWW" remark.
She says that I am the only person she could live with when she moves out, yet I don't understand how she thinks being roomies is a good idea when I have told her that I have and more than likely will fall for her. When asked how her parents would react to me and her being roomies, her response was odd. She informed me that her parents already think that we will end up getting married and that her father thinks that I'm just wearing her down.

What am I supposed to think about these things?

ALANA SAYS:

Well, this girl's parents have certainly nailed it, haven't they?

I'm not sure what to tell you. When you assured her that you knew you were just friends, the awkwardness went away -- meaning she was probably relieved you weren't planning to ask her out. But flirting with a guy friend to these extremes -- sexual innuendoes, touching, etc. -- isn't something "just friends" generally do.

It could be that she feels the same way you do, but she's reluctant to make a move for fear your friendship will suffer. Or it could be that she loves your friendship just the way it is, and any further moves made by you will damage it.

So what should you do? Well, you can either play the waiting game, hoping she'll come around -- and hoping she doesn't meet another guy in the process. Or you could just bravely plunge ahead and be honest about your feelings.

Beware: the latter choice carries a risk. If she knows that you care about her as more than just a buddy, she'll definitely re-examine her feelings -- but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll fall into your arms. Maybe the awkwardness will leap right back and your friendship will never be the same.

But it's also possible that, caught in the moment of your profession of love, she'll realize she feels the same way -- or at least that she's willing to give a deeper relationship a try.

I'm the impatient type, so I would always choose the direct route ... but I've won some and lost some with it. However, at least that way, you'll know if love is blossoming or if you're stuck in friend land forever.

EDDIE SAYS:

It sounds to me like you're both pretty young, which could explain the flirting, the sexual banter, etc. She's just testing out her role as a woman with someone who she sees as safe, since you've already told her you're just friends.

But that's actually the good news. It could very well be that as she's willing to dabble her toes in the "more than friends" pool like that, she's willing to go further. And, in this case, I don't mean sexually.

It could be that she's also willing to go in a bit further, and move toward more relationship-y activities. Unless you're dying to find out and really can't wait any longer, I'd just go with the flow. Time is severely compressed at your age, to be sure, but it still has only been a few months since you declared where things are. There's nothing wrong with waiting a bit more so you can get a clearer indication of if she's really open to changing things, or just enjoying the safe playspace you provide.

Dear Double Take,
I have been dating, so to speak, a man now for a year. I am very much in love with him, and I have grown to love his daughter dearly. She is a challenge, as she is very spoiled and treated like a princess by him. That is great, but she can be so mean and he does not see it. She is mean to my daughter, as well, though I try to help them get along.
I include his daughter (who he only has every other weekend) whenever I can, as it gives the girls someone to be with. I feel that I can cope with whatever needs to be addressed when it comes to the kids.
He usually does not come over until bedtime, even though he sleeps over every night. He does not hug or show affection to my daughter, although he is doing better at talking to her. He says that until he decides to marry me, he does not have to deal with kids every day, and he should have his time.
He loves to be at his place. He works out of his home. He is a wonderful and very talented man. I don't blame him for wanting to spend time at his place with his things.
Anyway, he drops his daughter off at my place when he has her lately, and then he comes over at bedtime unless I cook dinner.
He has been single now for more than six years. He does not take me out like he used to. It seems that the only time we get to go out and do something fun is when his daughter is with him.

Do I give him more time?


	DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? What's Your Advice? Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

Absolutely. With more time, he'll probably figure out a way to get you to clean his apartment (quietly, so as not to disturb him), wash and fold his laundry, and maybe pay some bills.

Because from the sounds of things, he looks at you not as a partner (or potential partner), but as a resource.

It's great that you're someone who gives a lot and cares about others, but there comes a point where people are just taking advantage of you. If he's never around, and the time he spends with you is conditional (a few extra hours if you're serving food, for example), then that's not just you being kind; that's him intentionally taking advantage of you.

More to the point, you're letting him do it, and you're teaching your daughter that's how the way a relationship should work. Whether for you or her, it's time to end things unless he shows that you and she really matter to him.

And let's clarify something: A guy who only sees his daughter every two weeks -- and even then sometimes dumps her on someone else -- isn't a great father, so there's no reason to expect him to be one for your daughter.

He's right that he doesn't have a responsibility for your child, but it doesn't sound like he feels one for his own, either. And since yours is more than a casual relationship, he needs to be more fair about things if he doesn't want advice columnists thinking he's a selfish jerk.

ALANA SAYS:

Wow, this guy really has it made. He gets all the benefits of a relationship with none of the compromises -- and dinner to boot.

You sound like a sweet woman, and I don't want to sound harsh. But this guy is trampling all over you on the way to your bedroom every night.

My guess is that you're seeing him through rose-colored glasses much of the time, and you haven't put your foot down about any of this. And there is an off chance (the off, off chance) that he's simply not realizing that he's being so neglectful.

Well, now is the time. Tell him how he needs to improve his treatment toward your daughter -- and use your relationship toward his daughter as an example. Tell him he's in charge of dinner tomorrow night for you and your daughter, and arrange a date night. He needs to put in the quality time every other member of a healthy relationship puts in, or else he doesn't want a relationship.

If he gets angry and refuses to make an effort, tell him your bed is no longer available. There are plenty of guys out there who would be willing to meet you halfway in your relationship effort.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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