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Double Take: Relationship Odds Plummet For Gambler

Is Telling The Truth Always The Right Thing To Do?

Updated: 9:06 a.m. EDT August 19, 2003

Dear Double Take,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years right now (including the last seven months of living together). Our relationship was nearly perfect until couple weeks ago, when I found out he is a gambler.
I found out few tickets that showed he had recently put money at horse racing. I confronted him, and it was a shock to me when he admitted it. His gambling history starts way before he met me (he is in his mid-40s and I am in my mid-30s). I was clueless about it; he had never talked or gave any indication he was doing so. I felt betrayed and very upset that I was never told the truth.
He said he had been to counseling before, and it is not a problem anymore; whatever he played lately, it was only for fun. He said he never talked about it before because he never felt comfortable talking about it, and he was afraid he would lose me. It was hard to trust him anymore, so I told we couldn't be together for a while -- that I needed time to clear my thoughts.
He left, and I feel devastated. Deep inside, I feel I made the right decision, but on the other side, I know I will miss him -- he is such a loving, caring, wonderful man. We have so many things in common. He is asking me not to totally give up on him; he believes we can work things out somehow. I have heard that when someone is addicted to gambling, they hardly ever give it up -- and I don't know if I can put up with it for the rest of my life.

Is there a solution to this? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


	GAMBLING Are You A Compulsive Gambler? Are You Living With A Compulsive Gambler? Gambling Is Addictive ONLINE RESOURCES Gamblers Anonymous Gam-Anon National Coalition Against Legalized Gambling

ALANA SAYS:

I would be the first to support your decision about taking such a firm stand against addictive gambling ... but from your story, I'm not convinced that your boyfriend does have a gambling problem.

But perhaps I'm dismissing this too easily. Gamblers Anonymous has a list of 20 questions to help determine if someone is a compulsive gambler. Among them:

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

Your story gave me no indication that he suffers from these symptoms. But the fact that he kept his habit from you and received counseling in the past is suspicious -- Gamblers Anonymous also says compulsive gamblers can't ever gamble normally again, even after therapy.

But don't give up on him completely: If compulsive gamblers admit they have a problem and express a desire to quit gambling, they can recover from the illness and go on to lead happy, gambling-free lives.

Obviously, Eddie and I can't judge how serious this problem is -- but we can commend you for taking the issue seriously. I suggest you seek the facts behind your boyfriend's habit: Talk to his gambling buddies, his family, even his former therapist, if you can. If they confirm that he is indeed a compulsive gambler, stay firm in your desire for him to get help, and support him through the process.

And don't hesitate to find yourself some help, too -- Gam-Anon is an organization set up to support spouses, family members and close friends of compulsive gamblers.

But if your boyfriend insists he doesn't have a problem, despite his friends' and family's assessments, you're probably best to keep your distance before your emotions -- and finances -- suffer from his habit.

EDDIE SAYS: I hate to judge -- without much evidence, at least -- but we can safely assume that he's had a problem with gambling. He told you as much, though he did wait until you found out to say anything.

In some parts of our culture, certain addictions are acceptable, and admitting you have a problem is seen as a sign of strength. For the most part, however, people tend to think of what Tony Soprano would call the "degenerate gambler" when they think of gambling addiction. Naturally, your boyfriend wouldn't come right out and say something if he were going back to old habits.

While he obviously was sneaking around -- even if just lying by omission -- the fact that he 'fessed up when given evidence indicates he's not so far gone that he's deluding himself. He knows it's not a good thing. He says he has it under control; maybe, maybe not.

But he's being honest about it now, and if everything else has been good, I'd give him another chance. If you're not at all comfortable with the gambling, make it a deal breaker -- tell him there are no odds that you'll stay if he slips again.

Ripping up his ticket and throwing it away now seems like letting one bad deal get in the way of a winning run at the table.

Dear Double Take,
My wife and I have been married for almost eight years. We are expecting our first child in a couple of months and are looking forward to becoming parents and being happy for, hopefully, the rest of our lives.
The problem is that I am having a hard time living with the fact that I had an affair during our first year of marriage, when things were rocky. It's a long story, and I can make excuses forever, but I wish I could erase it. My wife suspected something was going on, but I stopped short of telling her the truth. I broke off this other relationship because I wanted to try to save my marriage. Once I did, everything was great. We had a ton of fun and love each other more now than ever.

But I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, especially with the baby on the way. Since my mistake, I've wanted to tell her the truth, but after this much time, is it worth it to destroy our happiness, especially with a baby on the way? I find it hard to enjoy life at times when I should be happy. What do you suggest?

EDDIE SAYS: If ever there were a man begging to be told, "Get yourself a therapist," it's you.


	DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

I would hate to push you to spend $75 an hour and part of what is likely a busy life -- and even busier when that kid comes -- to sit around and tell someone that you're not happy. Especially when it's not like you need Sigmund Freud to peer around in your head for a while to know what's up: You feel guilty.

And if you want to avoid the pros, I can tell you what to do about it: Tell her the full truth. This will most likely lead to fighting and crying and the opening of old wounds. But what other option is there? Hypnosis to make you block it out? Deciding, "Hey, cheating isn't so bad, what am I getting worked up about?"

If you could do either of those, you wouldn't be where you are now. I don't even think you'd want to.

So find a time, as soon as possible, to tell her. Maybe she already suspects, since it sounds like you gave her the basics. There will be short-term problems. But if you lay it all out fully, acknowledge that you were scummy for not telling her the truth, and point out that you're making sure to get it clear now because you want your family to be happy together, she'll likely come to understand.

And with that much to say, you might want to write a letter that she reads while you sit across from her. Good luck.

ALANA SAYS:

This decision wouldn't be nearly as black and white to me as it apparently would be for Eddie.

Sure, marriages are based on honesty. We all know that telling your wife would be the "right" thing to do. But to assume that she'll "come to understand" is a huge assumption, in my estimation.

And let's face it: The real reason you want to come clean is to relieve your conscience. For you to receive that inner peace, you'll be unleashing a whole lot of destruction onto your wife -- and your marriage. After you tell her, there will be many, many times when she'll think: "I wish we could go back to how we were before I knew!"

So how could the "right" thing to do involve so much pain for someone else?

After pondering this, my advice comes after asking myself: Would I want to be told? The answer: Absolutely.

Twenty years down the road, you don't want to still have this deep, dark secret from the woman you've spent your life with. And if you don't tell her and she finds out through other means, any nugget of trust you may have been able to salvage by telling her yourself would be crushed.

So take your chances and clear the air between you. Be prepared for the anger and pain that are sure to come -- and you'll no doubt feel worse when you see how she feels. You also have to face the possibility that she might never understand.

But telling her really is the right thing to do. And when you take your first deep breath without holding in that secret, you'll know you made the right decision.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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