Dear Double Take,
We recently moved into a nice, rather quiet condominium complex. We have a dog and both go to work early in the morning. This means one of us is out with the dog at around 5:30 a.m.
We make every effort to be quiet, but the fact is that the dog needs a chance to do her business before we go to work.
A neighbor apparently complained to the homeowner's association that we were out "playing" with the dog and making noise to the point it woke them up. While I don't know for sure which neighbor, I've got a good idea.
I can't understand why the person didn't just mention it directly to us. There are only two paths away from our door. If this person had come to us, we'd know which direction we should avoid.
We don't complain about the neighbors' patio parties, which often stretch until midnight and include the noise of happy, chattering people. We just count that as the cost of living in a condo-complex.
What do we do, besides make more efforts to be more quiet? Do we talk to our neighbors about our hours? Try to explain it to the homeowner's association? Or start the vicious circle of making complaints about them?

EDDIE SAYS:

You should collect your dog's droppings for a week, place them in a paper bag and leave it on the doorstep of the neighbor you think pushed the issue.

No ... of course you shouldn't do that. However, it may be the sort of reaction the complainers worry about.

It would be nice if your neighbors came to you. But that would be uncomfortable for everyone, and even reasonable people can get defensive when told they're doing something wrong. I know you understand, since you just grin and bear the sounds of soirees without making a stink.

Perhaps I'm giving too much credit to your neighbors, but it may not be that they're trying to ruin your reputation in the Sleepy Home Estates. They just want something done without having an awkward situation.

Since they're (perhaps) trying to be gentle, you could be as well. Next time you're chatting with them, just mention that someone seems to have complained and that you wish you knew who so you could try to be extra careful on that side of the house.

ALANA SAYS:

Your neighbors took an indirect approach on purpose -- it's that passive-aggressiveness that's so frustrating to try to maneuver. They don't want to start a war; they just want the problem to go away without having to confront anybody.

In response, you should take a similarly indirect approach. At the next homeowner's meeting -- or even when you're just out and about -- make a point of chit-chatting with several neighbors, and make sure to bring up your early schedule. You could explain how you have to take the dog out super early, and that you try hard to keep it quiet. And in your friendly conversation, you could ask if whatever neighbor you happen to be chatting with has heard you.

Neighbors gossip. It sounds as if you heard about this complaint in a roundabout way -- and the complaining neighbor will hear your explanation in a roundabout way. Until you get a more direct hint, though, don't worry about avoiding any particular paths in your morning routine.

Dear Double Take,
My 20-year-old brother is extremely manipulative and, in my opinion, lazy. He is still living with my parents and cannot seem to hold a job. He declined to go to college, even though my dad offered. The loan for his car is in my father's name, and in the year since he's had it, he managed to make only six of the payments; my mother made the rest for him. I know my mother has picked up the tab on his insurance quite a few times and has placed hundreds if not thousands of dollars in his bank account because he constantly overdrafts and spends money he does not have.
At this point, my mother has taken away his debit card and borrowed money from my sister to cover his "messed up" account. My sister also lives at home, but is a full-time student who works several days a week and owes thousands in student loans. My brother just returned from a weeklong trip. My sister had to give up a weekend trip with her friends to cover his money situation for him because my mother asked her to.
My brother has recently said that he was going to move to the East Coast with money he'd get by selling the car, which in my opinion does not belong to him at this point. But now he says he might not move, which scares me because he will continue to sponge from my parents.
The final straw came when my sister told me that he has vowed to live simply in order to have a full "life of adventure." Up to this point, his adventures have been on everyone else's dime. He consistently tells me he will not "work for the man." His naïve idealism drives me up the wall. My family has all worked so hard, and my parents put themselves through school to support us.
I feel that, as the oldest child, it is my responsibility to say something to him. My parents, who have always been tough and promoted hard work, seem to have given up on the baby of the family, and even though they are angry with him, they continue supporting him. What is appropriate for me to say or do in this situation?

ALANA SAYS:

I'm not sure I agree it's your place to whip your brother into shape. Your parents are the ones who continue to aid and abet him in his unhealthy spending -- it's up to them to lay down the law.

You can certainly get involved in this if you want to, but it just doesn't seem like you have enough of a stake in this situation to make much of a difference, other than to cause waves.

Perhaps a good tactic would be to talk with your parents about your sister's financial situation in all of this. Maybe mention that your sister has told you about some of the issues that have come up, and perhaps they'll give you the full story.

Because that's the other thing to remember: Chances are you don't know the whole story here. Maybe your parents have a plan for how to deal with your brother. Maybe there are big pieces of the puzzle that you don't know about.

If you talk to your parents, encourage them to be firm with your brother and offer your support -- probably not financially, but emotionally.

EDDIE SAYS:

If your family sticks close together, that probably means you're frequently in each others' business in ways you wouldn't be with just friends.

And that's a good thing. That's what makes family different.

As part of the team, you can approach people with your opinions. In addition to Alana's ideas, you can say to your brother, "Look, your idealism is great, but your lifestyle hurts our sister. Maybe you didn't realize that. Maybe you should get a job at a skate shop, at least."

Now, just because it's within your role as the independent sister to share that viewpoint, don't expect to change things. He's happy with how things are, and everyone else is at least not unhappy enough to make it change.

But it will probably ease your mind to have said your piece.