Dear Double Take,
My mother has been living with me for 18 months while she waits for senior housing to open up. She works part time and pays me rent. She generally does the cooking and laundry (mostly because I don't do them the way she does).
The issue is that she forgets that I am a 50-year-old woman with my own home, and I've raised two wonderful children, and my oldest cat is 15 years old. I mention these things because it appears that I am still a child in her eyes. I am constantly criticized. She tells me how to feed and take care of my animals, load the dishwasher, etc. I was even told that I placed the washed dishes in a disrespectful manner when I set them to drain. Or, if I buy something, I am always asked what it cost and how much I spent.
She doesn't seem to realize how she is. My sister won't allow her to live with her ever again because her therapist told her it would be better to subsidize her rent elsewhere than have her live in her home.
How do I GENTLY tell her that I don't need to be told what to do or how to do it in my own home?

ALANA SAYS:

I get the feeling that your goal here is to eliminate your mom's criticism without insulting her. That'll be tough, if not impossible.

I'm guessing you don't take all of those criticisms lying down; you've probably already said, when she criticized your animal care, for example, that you know what you're doing. If so, subtlety has struck out.

So you have to decide if you're willing to make Mom mad in an attempt to allay her criticism. Because if you approach her about this subject, even in the gentlest of ways, she's probably going to be at least a tiny bit insulted and defensive. And even if you do talk to her about how this makes you feel, that doesn't mean she'll change her ways.

I think you should confront her so she at least realizes that it's a problem. Be nice about it, but just tell her that her criticisms are uncalled for and unappreciated -- and change is in order.

But if you decide that keeping the peace is more important ... pray for patience.

EDDIE SAYS:

You could be delicate, you could shout, you could shoot rubber bands at her every time she criticizes. Chances are that a woman in her 70s (I'm guessing) isn't going to realize she is the one creating the problem. She'll think you're being too sensitive, or deny that she's doing anything wrong.

It's good to bring it up. Just don't expect much to change.

Most likely, you're just going to have to grin and bear it. It sounds like that's already what you do. You do what you think is right for your pets and your purchases, and release the things that you can live with her doing.

That's the best way to handle it. Let her say what she wants, but you continue to do what is necessary. And when it gets to be too much, remember -- she's already got a plan to move out.

Dear Double Take,
My son is 2½ years old and just met his dad for the first time.
My son has autism. His dad wanted nothing to do with him until he found out about that.
I think it might be good that my son see him, even though he owes more than $6,000 in child support. However, the father's mom told me my son is better off without him.
I have mixed feelings, and I am paranoid that something bad will happen to my son. I hate the thought of sending him off one day and never seeing him alive again. Any suggestions?

EDDIE SAYS:

Let's clarify about one thing: Having contact with BioDad doesn't mean handing your son over for what he wants. Because of his absence and inability to live up to his obligations, you don't have to give in to whatever this guy suggests.

Your son could benefit from having another person to interact with -- that's not a prescription for autism, just something that's good for children. But they don't have to go to dinner and a movie alone, and your son doesn't have to spend the night at dad's apartment.

You don't jump from being the only caregiver to joint custody. Decide what works for you. Play dates at your house work. So do supervised, joint trips to the park. And if "daddy" picks up the tab, make sure he knows that's not part of the money that he owes you.

Once he's proved he can be responsible -- with his handling of your son and the finances -- you can look at giving him more freedom.

ALANA SAYS:

I had the same thoughts as Eddie until I read your comment about "seeing him alive again."

Are you seriously concerned that the father could harm your son? If so, don't let your son anywhere near this guy. But if, as I suspect, you were exaggerating your concerns, you should consider an arrangement such as those Eddie outlined.

First, though, find out where the father's mom is coming from. If she has written him off already, it's important to know why -- so you can make an informed decision about your son's contact with this man.