Dear Double Take,
What do you do when you allow family members to stay in your home for an extended period of time while they house hunt and you have a falling out?
My stepdaughter and son-in-law stayed with us for eight months while house hunting. I shopped for our meals, prepared our meals and cleaned up with absolutely no help from them. They helped themselves to our wine while I worked in the kitchen and they relaxed on the sofa watching TV.
I work full time and my stepdaughter works three days a week. After months of this abuse, I was feeling very used and stressed. One night they arrived and I told them there was plenty of food for them to fix something for themselves.
They refused to talk to me for more than an hour, at which time I announced that I had had enough of their rudeness. They said they would move into their new house the next day (they had the key for three weeks but weren't making any plans to leave us).
Now they only call my husband when I'm at work and invite him to outings, but they've actually told him to leave me home because they are uncomfortable around me now.
I am at my wits end over this. I honestly don't care to see them again, but I need to for my husband's sake.

EDDIE SAYS:

The Earth's crust is composed of several huge, continent-sized plates. They slowly bump and grind against each other, without much movement. All that friction builds up energy slowly. When it's released, cities shake and homes are razed.

Sounds a lot like what happened to your family. You didn't ask for a bit of help, they got nice and comfortable, then you opened up the ground beneath their feet. And it sounds like you didn't just deliver a minor jolt -- you went to the top of the Richter scale.

It sounds like they deserved it, although knowing that (and you saying it) won't make the situation better.

Land masses can shift suddenly and leave gaps. Sometimes moving back together takes much longer. That's what it will take for you. Time and a near-geological patience. With those things, most grudges will pass.

ALANA SAYS:

At least the worst part is over: These moochers are out of your house. Now you need to just keep in mind that, for your husband's sake, you need to be the bigger person.

Whatever you do, don't cut off all contact. You certainly don't have to act like nothing happened, but to start with, some small, friendly gestures might ease the discomfort on all sides. Invite them to the next family outing or stop over at their new place with a housewarming plant -- just something to show them that you're not the one holding the grudge.

Having said that, really try to let go of this one. Like I said, they're out of the house now, so it's time for your anger to move out, too.

Dear Double Take:
My 32-year-old daughter and I always shared a very close relationship until recently. Two and a half years ago, she graduated from law school and got a job at a prestigious law firm. Within three months, a partner with a wife and very young daughter began hitting on her. He was relentless and she eventually gave in. He incredibly refused to use any type of protection. About 10 months into the relationship, my daughter decided that she would become pregnant and have the baby that she'd been wanting for some time. Her plan was to get pregnant, break up with the guy, and raise the baby alone. However, she ended up telling the guy, who repeatedly begged her to get an abortion. She stayed involved with him, and one month before she gave birth, the guy left home and got himself an apartment.
No one besides me knows the truth about this relationship, including anyone in this guy's family or any of my other children. My daughter and this man have had a tumultuous relationship. He is, naturally, completely undependable and narcissistic. He's now working with a lawyer to try to get partial custody of his other daughter in a divorce. His wife knows nothing of his behavior and believes him when he says he's never been unfaithful. Which he has been since he married her 13 years ago. Never mind the existence of another child. I swear I'd warn her myself if it wouldn't have such dire consequences on my daughter and granddaughter. So, that's not an option.
My daughter has never walked away from this guy for long, and I fear she's developing some sort of fantasy about a life with this jerk. I love my daughter, but am really disgusted by what she's done and despise this guy. I'm not the type of person to live a lie and feel that my daughter has forced me to. Not to mention what she's done to a young child, who is now without a father at home thanks in part to her. Things are very strained between us now. I refuse to be at any function with my other adult children if this guy's around because I feel like they're being duped and I'm condoning the lie, which I don't. I adore my granddaughter and spend several days a week caring for her while my daughter works. But I know that this negativity between my daughter and me won't lead anywhere good. I'm at my wits end. The whole situation makes me sick. What can I do?

ALANA SAYS:

As you know, there are no easy answers in this situation. Your daughter knows how you feel, and she's sticking with this guy anyway. If you tell anyone her secret, she'll likely cut off contact. If you retaliate by refusing to see her, you'll both lose.

So, really, you're stuck. You can continue to try to convince her that this guy isn't worth her time -- but in the end, she's going to do exactly what she wants. And if you want to continue to have a relationship with her and your granddaughter, you have to accept that.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to keep this kind of secret from the rest of the family. But as you well realize, it isn't your secret to share. All you can do is keep encouraging her to come clean.

Another idea: Isn't there someone else she could talk to about this? If you haven't yet, try convincing her to confide in someone else -- perhaps even a professional. You've given her all the advice you have; perhaps another perspective could help.

EDDIE SAYS:

At this point, you really do need to just back off. If you can't talk about it with her, just don't. Tell her you'll talk about the baby and other things, but that you can't handle hearing about her relationship.

This should help you save your energy. And you'll need it, because when this all falls apart, you'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Tell her that as part of the discussion in which you cut off all talk of her lawyerman. Then don't mention it again. She'll know you're ready when the time comes.

And keep a spare bedroom stocked for when she runs home to you.