Dear Double Take,
My fiance and I have been together for four years. As we inch closer and closer to the wedding, I keep thinking about this huge decision that we are about to make.
It seems like the more I think about it, the more reasons I come up with why we shouldn't get married. He is my best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him, but I still think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. I had dated a boy for three years before I ended up with my fiance. The boy who I dated before I met my fiance was my first love. I know that I loved him because I always got butterflies in my stomach when I thought about him, talked to him, smelt the cologne he wore, and even the smallest things made me think about him.
I felt the same way about my fiance for about the first year that we were together. We had a son together two years ago, and it was the best thing that ever happened to us. We were both very close and very happy. When my son got a little older, we started to drift apart a little.
It seems like I think about my ex-boyfriend more than I think about my fiance. I don't get the butterflies anymore when I think about him, we don't fight much, and we like to be together, but I just feel like we lost our spark. We still see our friends (who are couples) hug and kiss all the time, it seems like we don't do that unless we are saying goodbye or goodnight to each other.
How can I create new spark between us? Should I consider not going through with the wedding? I think that I still love him but I feel like we have been married for years, we act like we have been married for 30 years. What should I do?

ALANA SAYS:

It's certainly natural to have second thoughts about something as big as getting married, but it seems to me you're overthinking this one.

Very few married couples I know would say they still get butterflies in their stomachs when they think about their spouse. It doesn't mean they don't love them -- their relationships have just evolved. The lack of butterflies is no reason not to marry the guy you love.

Reflecting on past loves is also natural at this juncture. But you broke up with your ex for a reason, remember? Since he hasn't been part of your life for years, maybe you aren't remembering the tough times in the relationship -- it wasn't perfect; none are.

I'm not saying you should close your eyes and jump into this marriage if you really feel like it isn't the right thing to do. Just don't work so hard to talk yourself out of it.

EDDIE SAYS:

We don't mean to explode any romantic myths here, but Alana's right. Those intense feelings often mellow as your relationships -- and you -- age. In many ways, you should be glad. Do you really want to have to feel sick to your stomach every time he doesn't call, or try to microinterpret every word, action and inflection? Nobody has the energy to keep that up over time.

If there's something that you think is missing -- and it seems to be public displays of affection, at least -- then do something about that specific problem. Writing to us won't help.

Take your hands off the keyboard, put your arms around your husband-to-be and lay one on him. When he says, "What was that for?" tell him that it's because you don't ever want to lose that feeling, and that he'd better be prepared for much more of it.

In a quieter moment later, explain to him what you think is missing, and what you hope to re-stoke the fires.

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Dear DoubleTake,
I am a divorced mother of two teenage boys, ages 15 and 17. I have been divorced from their father for more than 13 years.
During those years I have had a few relationships. One went for four years and ended seven years ago. I had one other since, but my boys never met him.
I am thinking about dating again, and my being a single mother for so long seems to make it difficult to start trying. If I want a real relationship in which I will sooner or later want my boys to become a part, how will that affect our home to have a man around when my boys are used to it only being us?
My boys see their father regularly and he has been married more than 10 years.
What would be the best way to approach starting to date and letting my children know about it? How should I handle the first meeting when I bring someone home? Should I wait a few more years or try to meet someone now?

EDDIE SAYS

Your sons have not yet reached manhood. But they're not really boys anymore. They're in high school, one is probably starting to think seriously about being on his own and they're most likely dating themselves (or wishing they were).

So if you explain to them that you're about to be on the prowl again, they'll most likely understand. There's some chance that they'll be uncomfortable or unsure at first, and that could manifest itself in jealousy, stubbornness, etc. But after all this time, it's good for you to start moving forward on that part of YOUR life again.

I'd actually guess they won't make a big deal about this, because they've already adjusted to the idea that mommy and daddy won't always be together, since papa's had a new wife for quite some time.

The effect of having a man "in the house" shouldn't really be an issue at this point. You're just going to start dating, right? Nobody needs to hire a moving van just yet. Their reaction to that will depend a lot on the guy, and whether you rush into it. (Don't.)

Talk to your guys, get online, find some nice gentlemen and enjoy a few evenings out. Deal with the heavier stuff if and when it comes up.

ALANA SAYS:

What he said.

Actually, dating when your sons are still around might be a better idea than after they've left home. You'll have additional moral support, and they'll be able to really get involved if you find someone special.

My guess is your sons will be very supportive. They don't want you to be lonely. And although you might worry they'll be upset that your attention is diverted, they'll probably welcome it. (They are teenagers, after all.)

It'll still be tough to get started with the dating thing, after having not done it for so many years. But your sons likely won't be a roadblock.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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