Dear Double Take:
My husband and I have been married for four years, and we have a beautiful 14-month-old daughter. He is a great dad 95 percent of the time. He loves playing with her and is a very hands-on, involved parent.
That being said, if you catch him at the wrong time, he can really fly off the handle. During our dating and early marriage, I would respond to his childish outbursts by saying that I would not allow him to speak to me that way and that he better get a grip on what he's really mad about. This usually did the trick, and he calmed down and apologized. I have basically learned to dismiss his tantrums.
He is a stay-at-home dad, so he spends a lot of time with our daughter. Now it infuriates me to see these tirades at her expense. She's a normal 1-year-old, but he gets impatient, as if she is doing everything in her power to drive him crazy. Right now, she doesn't really pick up on his tone, but before long she will be able to understand that he's angry and be hurt by it.
Even though I have taken the same firm approach with him, it still happens. I think my mother even witnessed one of his moments. Although she never said so, I think she was shocked by it. He is the model of a great dad most of the time, but this habit of his is very upsetting. How can I get him to see how ridiculous it is when he acts like a raving lunatic to his child?

EDDIE SAYS:

Fortunately, you don't mention any physical problems -- we'll be thankful and assume that's not how he shows his anger.

I understand where he's coming from on this. Kids that young can be cute and endearing -- and horribly frustrating. Much of the time you can start to see the development into a semi-independent child, and you're past the totally helpless phase. But they still can tell you what's wrong, they still cry for reasons that they can't explain and generally just aren't as rational as you sometimes want them to be.

There were times I felt it, especially if there was something else I was trying to do or had just reached my limits, which we all have.

Sometimes I remembered to just calm down, even if it meant just being still for a few minutes. Other times I was louder or less caring than I wish I'd been. It takes time to learn.

The bad news is that you never know when the fits of the "terrible twos" will start. The good news is that it tends to get easier as they get older, more verbal and gain independence.

ALANA SAYS:

Frustration is understandable -- but then the question becomes: How do you help your husband avoid these kinds of tirades?

First off, talk to him about this when neither of you are angry. Being firm with him when he's ranting is great, but you're probably only making short-term progress that way.

Instead, have a conversation about it after your little one is in bed and you both have time to talk it through. Explain your concerns while expressing your understanding. Perhaps if he steps back and sees the larger picture you present and thinks about the possible long-term consequences on your daughter, he'll make more of an effort to take control of his temper.

Another consideration: His being home alone with your daughter all day every day probably isn't helping his frustration. If he doesn't already, he needs to get away regularly. Make sure you help him carve out time with his buddies -- or just by himself.

If things don't improve, pursue anger management -- yes, really. Everybody loses their temper now and then, but if his outbursts concern you enough to write to us about them, he could probably benefit from some professional help.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Dear Double Take,
I have been dating an old high school boyfriend. We were both married to different people in the early '90s. I divorced in 1997, and he got a divorce in early 2003. We are both 37, and we've been seeing each other for the last year and a half.
Everything in our relationship is great, but every so often, he seems to get scared and says that he isn't ready to be tied down again -- not yet, and maybe not ever. He assures me that he is not seeing anyone else and isn't looking for anyone new.
I believe in my heart that we will end up together eventually, but I am so confused with what I should do. Some people say I should give him an ultimatum. They say it isn't fair that I am waiting around for him and not finding someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship. I really do want to have children and feel my time is running out. But I feel he has every right to be scared ... after all, he was married for 11 years.
It would be heartbreaking for me to walk because I love him. Part of me thinks he believes I will always be there for him, so he can take his time to decide if he wants to settle down again or not. He knows I have always loved him.
But part of me thinks that I should just sit back and not analyze it so much ... not rush it. I am also afraid that I will push him away if I bring up the issues of wanting a commitment, a family, etc.
Please tell me what you think.

ALANA SAYS:

I think you've already made this decision. You're not going to leave this guy, no matter what your friends are saying.

And why should you? Everything is going great. Yes, you're a little impatient to get started on a family, but you even acknowledge that you might be rushing things a little.

Your boyfriend has only been divorced for a couple of years. Try to remember what you were like at that point -- were you ready to make a lifelong commitment? I don't think his hesitancy is enough to make you walk.

However, there's nothing wrong with letting the guy know that you do want to have a family someday. A year and a half into a relationship, couples should know those sorts of things about each other. It isn't a pressure point; it's simply sharing your hopes and dreams with the person you love.

EDDIE SAYS:

What is the definition of commitment?

If it's a traditional courtship and marriage -- well, that's already passed for you. You're into a different world of second marriages. Those can still be strong and healthy and loving; there may even be a better chance once people have more experience.

But they fairy-tale romance aspect is probably tarnished.

From your older, been-around-the-block experience, you should be able to see that a big dress, strutting down the aisle and spending weeks writing thank-you notes aren't what commitment's about. It's making the decision to love and support someone and stick with them through good times and bad.

You've got commitment. You just don't have a marriage.

Is marriage important? I think so, and I can see why you want it. But you need to figure out if that's more valuable to you than spending a few more years being cautious with a guy who you think is great for you.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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