Dear Double Take:I am a 26-year-old mother of a 4-year-old and recently found out that we're expecting again. My husband and I have a great relationship for the most part. However, I recently found -- for the fourth time -- pornographic magazines and movies hidden in the ceiling of our game room.I understand that men can be men. However, the first couple times I found these items, I have clearly let my husband know that I don't want him to have them. He knows it upsets me. It hurts my feelings that I don't look like one of those built blonde bombshells, and I feel it's almost like cheating.If he truly loved me the way he say he does, he should respect my wishes. I'm not asking for much. Can this behavior lead to other situations? Why does he need these items? Why does our hard-earned money go to these items?
ALANA SAYS: I can't claim to know much about this one; I've never run into the problem. However, I think I also have a different view of that kind of thing.
It puts me in mind of a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode, where Larry David and his wife discuss who he fantasizes about. He says it isn't his wife because he wouldn't want to defile her by thinking of her in that type of scenario.
Maybe you had to see that episode to really get it, but at least for Larry David, that fantasy part of his life is completely separate from his marriage. It doesn't affect how much he loves his wife; it's an entirely different set of feelings.
That said, your husband should respect your feelings. I'm curious about whether he tried to rationalize it to you before. He shouldn't "need" it. And he shouldn't be blowing a big chunk of change on it.
There is such a thing as being addicted to pornography -- not that I'm suggesting that's the case. Instead, maybe he thinks you just don't understand. Articulate your feelings and listen to his -- communication is the best way to battle this problem.
EDDIE SAYS:Let's not make this a test of love. If that were the case, he could easily think, "She knows I want to have this around for a bit of fun. If she loved me, she'd understand that."
I doubt you rely on him for all of your emotional or other needs. Why expect him to get every bit of stimulation from you? That sounds like a fairy-tale fantasy, where the love is so pure and strong that nothing else matters. That's fine. But I doubt either of you is royalty. Since you don't have servants, you have work and other matters to attend to. Basically, your marriage is part of the real world.
This seems to me a pretty harmless outlet for part of his makeup, one that you probably don't have the time or desire to attend to. No, you're not the only woman in the world that he finds exciting, nor is your domestic life the only thing that entertains him.
But assuming that he's otherwise faithful and takes care of all his duties in the real world, it seems that you could understand that this bit of escapism is ultimately harmless.
Dear Double Take,I am a very attractive, noticeably mixed African-American woman. My problem is that men don't approach me. In my opinion, they think I am already married and are afraid of rejection or have low self-esteem. I have been told by a man that I am intimidating.I have tried the Internet dating services, and it dawned on me after several dates, that these are the same class of men. I don't provide a picture because I want to see first if there is a mental compatibility and get a man to like me for the person I am on the inside before seeing the exterior part.There is always good chemistry on the phone, but after we see each other, there is no chemistry toward them from me. I am now talking to a man who I am not attracted to, but I have been working on myself mentally to get past the physical negative part and like him for the person he is on the inside. I don't know if what I am doing is right or healthy, because I am afraid if I meet someone with whom I am totally compatible, I will dump him.I also feel that with the high rise of AIDS and other problems, sisters including myself have to lower our standards if we want a companion.I have never been married and I am just disgusted and frustrated with what is going on with the brothers. I just don't believe anymore that I will meet that man with whom I am compatible mentally, spiritually and physically.Am I shallow and out of reality, or should I just continue to have faith that one day I will meet the right one?
EDDIE SAYS:Clearly, you have a quite a burden to carry. You're too good for the world, and everyone can sense it.
While it does sound like you're an intelligent, thoughtful woman, it also sounds like you make it very clear to everyone around you that those are facts, people better recognize them, and woe to those who don't.
That sort of attitude is like desperation, in that people can sense it and the smart ones stay away from it.
I'm not saying you should give up your high-mindedness or confidence. Those are great traits that are too rare.
But you've allowed them to become high barriers: "I'm so good, I'm never going to find anyone good enough," you think. If you've already made the decision, it's very hard for anyone to gain a foothold from which to climb to where you can spot them.
You don't need to lower your standards, but maybe lower a rope to all those potential partners that allows them the benefit of the doubt before you toss them over the cliff.
ALANA SAYS:There’s nothing wrong with having high standards. But it sounds like you’ve come up with a fantasized ideal of what you want your future mate to be – and any fellow who doesn’t meet all the imaginary guy’s attributes are out.
Trying to convince yourself to be attracted to someone to whom you’re not attracted isn’t going to work. You’re not going to wake up and “see him differently.” I do think the online let’s-not-show-pictures-for-a-while thing is probably just as good for you as it is for the guys with whom you’re conversing. You think guys are intimidated by your looks, but physical appearance matters just as much to you as it does to them.
I do think you have to rethink what you’re looking for. Is it an attractive guy? If so, you’re selling lots of guys short, but don’t fool yourself into thinking it might work out with someone to whom you know you aren’t attracted. As far as other characteristics, try to make them more general – intelligent, rather than holding an MBA. Confident, rather than having a high-powered job. See what I mean?
Just do your best to have an open mind when you meet potential mates. Everybody has something new to offer – and many of their characteristics aren’t something you’ll think of and classify ahead of time.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana only offer advice to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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