Dear Double Take, To make a very long story short: My ex-husband just married my sister's daughter, my niece.He and I were married seven years and have three children. I, of course, am totally against his new relationship.Two days before the wedding, one of my sisters and I were talking, and I told her this is morally wrong. She insisted there is nothing morally wrong with it since they are not blood related.Regardless, he was her uncle. We used to baby-sit her.Most of my family attended the wedding, so I feel they totally betrayed my children and me. This now makes their aunt (my sister) their stepgrandmother.This is like a bad hillbilly joke for my kids: Their cousin is their mom.I have always been gossiped about, used and back-stabbed by the majority of my family. I have come to expect it, but this is about my kids. My 15-year-old son wants nothing to do with anyone who supported the wedding.I feel walking away from them is no loss. Maybe I will regain my sanity. How should I cope with this?
EDDIE SAYS:I've got one more! As near as I can figure, you're now your children's mother
and aunt once removed.
Although that probably doesn't help you feel better about this trashy scenario, nor will my opinion that your sister is
technically right: Most of the taboos about intrafamily relationships are based on beliefs about genetics. That's not really a concern here.
However, I'd still say it goes down as wrong. Going outside one's generation is always weird, but tying various levels of a family tree together like this goes beyond thorny. It's more like 10 tons of bramble dropped on your head.
You're right that the rest of family should have said something about this being a bad idea. Maybe they don't care. Perhaps they feel like there's nothing they can do to stop it, and a family tree that doesn't branch is better than a shattered trunk.
But that doesn't sit well with you, or your children. If you can't get past this, or if you think that it's a rotten thing to expose them to, you should back away. There's no need to stand on a stump and declare your intentions.
Just stay out of it.
ALANA SAYS:For your family to support the wedding, they were making a conscious decision to support your niece. They might not like to think they're "taking sides," but in this case, it's pretty tough to stay neutral: Either you support the wedding or you don't.
It sounds like you made it pretty clear all along how you felt about it. If your family members supported the wedding anyway, they did so while taking the risk of alienating you.
If you can't get past this event and keep on going how you've been going, perhaps it is best to pull back from some family members. You're not particularly close with your family at this point, anyway, so if you don't feel like reaching out -- don't reach.
However, don't make that decision for your kids. Let them deal with this in their own way. As you said, this is about them -- and if they decide, in the end, to support the marriage, do your best to support them.
Dear Double Take,I am good friends with another young woman with whom I used to work. We're 20-somethings, both married, and she has two children. When her second child was born, I went to visit her in the hospital. While she was in the bathroom, I was alone with her husband, and as I bent over to pick up my camera bag, he made a very suggestive comment about my rear end and what he would like to do with it. I gave him a look that could have killed and he then acted like he was joking.If I call their house and he answers, he always asks when I'm going to come and see him, "you know, when she's not home," and he has gone so far as to make comments about my chest size and things like that. He always quickly tries to pretend he's joking, but it's pretty tacky. He won't do it if she is in the room or if my husband is around. In fact, last time we ran into them in public and I was speaking with them, he walked away the minute my husband approached.How do I tell this friend of mine that her husband is hitting on me? She one time told me he's even asked her about a "three-way" with me, but I didn't take the opportunity to tell her he's made remarks to me, too -- and maybe I should have? I know him well enough to know he's really NOT joking around. I don't know what sort of scene he would make if I called him on it, and I can't think of a delicate way to mention it to her.
ALANA SAYS:Delicate way? No, there isn't one.
But you should tell her. Try something as simple as, "Your husband sometimes makes suggestive comments to me, and it makes me uncomfortable. I just thought you should know." Your friend will no doubt have more questions, and you should just be honest about it. Don't drag her husband through the dirt; give her the facts and let her come to her own conclusions.
My guess is that if this guy has talked to his wife about a three-way with you, your friend isn't going to be shocked by your news. In fact, she might try to convince you that he is, indeed, joking. And if she wants to believe that, there isn't much you can do about it.
But there is something you can do to him: Next time he hits on you, joking or not, you should tell him very seriously that it isn't funny, you don't appreciate it -- and you don't want it to happen again.
EDDIE SAYS:Before you worry about how to mention it to your friend, think about why you want to tell her.
Do you just want the behavior to stop? Then you really should listen to Alana and get him alone (not like
that) and make it very clear that you're not interested in doing anything, you don't like hearing about what he wants to do and you want it to stop.
Be very clear. I've said it before and I'll continue to do so: Men don't get hints. If you ever hear a man say, "OK, I get the hint," it means that someone has just hired an off-duty policeman to throw him against a wall and yell at him.
So, things like, "Oh, I wish you wouldn't say that" with a smile to spare his feelings won't get the job done. He'll likely take that as, "I know I'm supposed to say I don't like it, but I'm just being coy. Bring it on, big boy."
If all you want is an end -- and you have hope that you can then have a normal interaction with the guy -- then that's your best bet. If you have to go further and bring in an enforcer (his wife), then there's much more likely to be hurt feelings that threaten all the friendships.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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