Friday, January 9, 2009
Family

My Two Mothers

Early Problems Don't Make Monster-In-Law

POSTED: 6:11 am PDT May 5, 2005

With Mother's Day approaching, I'm thinking about my mother more than ever. The greeting card companies would be so proud that I already purchased a card that suits her taste and tells her I love her.

But this year is a little different than previous Mother's Days. Since my October wedding, I have had more than one mother to appreciate and shower with attention.

My mother, the one who is in my head at all times influencing my decisions from clothes to career, will be quick to remind me that I only have one mother, but my new mother-in-law has a special place in my life.


Special: Mother's Day section

It took time and patience to find a special place in hers, however.

The first time Jack invited me to his mother's house was early on in the relationship. I had only heard her voice on his answering machine, but I knew they were pretty close.

He was heading to her place for a Sunday steak dinner and wanted to take me. He informed me that only a few special girls had met his mother, so I was nervous and flattered.

But not for long. Shortly before he was due to pick me up, he called me.

"My mother doesn't have enough steak, so do you mind coming with me another time?"

Did I mind? Not exactly. Was I weirded out? Completely.

I gave my then-boyfriend a hard time about it for a while, but eventually chalked it up to his last-minute planning (and partly to his mom not being ready to meet his new love interest).

From then on, I was more nervous than ever to meet her. I have done well with mothers of serious boyfriends in the past, even getting really close to the two big ones. But I had never been with a man I was considering marrying, so the in-law factor suddenly mattered.

I have heard horror stories about abusive in-laws -- those who overstep their boundaries and never accept the new addition to their family -- earning the title "monster in law."

Eventually I met Jack's mom and was pleasantly surprised to find she was sweet, lovely, generous and kind -- and had more than enough food for me.

Despite how much I liked her, that didn't mean she liked me right away, as I learned from Jack soon after.

"My mother doesn't know how to read you," he told me.

While I'm outgoing and friendly, I can be shy when I first meet someone. Add the pressure of wanting a woman to like me, and maybe I'm not the open book I tend to be.

Little did I know I was competing against the memories of Jack's girlfriends past who quickly earned her stamp of approval. She once told me these two exes "adored" my husband, and I assume would have been ideal daughters-in-law.

While I certainly adore him, I am not exactly sure how to convey that at a family function, especially when I don't go for PDA. With each meeting, however, I tried to become more readable and just hoped eventually she'd get to know and like me.

As the wedding plans unfolded and my future role as daughter-in-law became solidified, I really grew closer to my mother-in-law to be. She was really excited about the wedding and so generous helping us out.

I had no worries we were forming a bond of our own, swapping stories about Jack and giving her insight into what the grownup version of him is like around the house.

What I've learned from my mother is that moms like to be included in our lives, and they deserve to be. Since my mom-in-law never appeared meddlesome, it was fun to entertain her with tales of her son's domestic eccentricities and commiserate about his lack of interest in wedding planning.

I feel like she really has my back and wants Jack and me to be happy. She may not have liked me at first, as a meddlesome relative generously informed me a few days before the wedding, but apparently she likes me now that she knows me.

I may even be so bold to say she's happy Jack chose me. Each time she mentions grandchildren, I feel pretty certain that's true.

While my mother will always come first -- hours of hard labor and being there for me every day of my life secured that -- my mother-in-law comes in a close second.

How are my other mother and I celebrating Mother's Day? Dinner and a movie.

Which movie? "Monster in Law," of course.

Laura Lewis is an adventurous newlywed who has loved, lost and doesn't mind sharing. Her column appears every other Thursday.