Dear Double Take, My fiancé, who I adore like no other before, can also absolutely infuriate me like no other before -- ah, true love.
There are things in life we all prefer or do for ourselves. For me, opting not to have tomatoes on my sub or needing two towels when I take a shower (one for the body, one for the hair), or choosing a lighter over matches are all little things, quirks if you will, about me. Will the world end if I get tomatoes? Or have to flip my hair over to dry my body first, then wrap my hair given only one towel? No, certainly not ... but because I ask for a sub with no tomatoes or ask "Where's my lighter?" I often am teased by the love of my life that I'm high-maintenance.I always perceived someone who's high-maintenance as one who expects and further demands to be wined, dined and showered with personal attention or life's luxuries that they themselves proclaim to be of the highest priorities. Only the finest things in life, at least to their standards, will do and are expected because, after all, they deserve it -- and whomever they're with should know it.I guess it can be a fine line, but I've always associated high-maintenance with someone who's snooty or a gold digger or a narcissist -- it's all about them. And thats where I draw a personal offense. Perhaps I'm picky in asking for no tomatoes. To me, I'm no different than the average Joe or Jane in that we have our likes or dislikes. This, he says, makes me high maintenance, and if I weren't, I would simply eat the tomatoes and not pick them off. I can't just use one towel; I've got to use two -- one's not enough. I can't just go with the flow and take things as they're handed to me, so he argues.Is it me, or do you just want to strangle him too? I mean, when are personal preferences considered high-maintenance?
ALANA SAYS:He calls you high-maintenance; you insist you're not. It's a battle over semantics.
Unfortunately, Merriam-Webster.com became very confused when I typed in the term, so I'll have to just go with what I've always thought high-maintenance meant: the need for plenty of attention. It's not necessarily a self-centeredness thing. Actually, I'd say it's more of a low self-esteem thing. People who are high-maintenance need to be constantly reassured and entertained.
Of course, this is just a guess. But from your examples, I'd side with you: You're not high-maintenance. You might be picky about a few things, but you're right, everyone is. Suggest that your honey calls you choosy -- or something similar -- instead of high-maintenance, since that bothers you so much.
Speaking of which ... why let it bother you? You know you're not high-maintenance, and he's just trying to push your buttons. Next time he accuses of you of being high-maintenance, give him a smile and a kiss. It'll just end up pushing his buttons right back to know it doesn't bother you.
EDDIE SAYS:The term high-maintenance entered the popular lexicon in 1989's "When Harry Met Sally." In that flick, Meg Ryan's character couldn't just order a meal at a restaurant. She had to go through several steps based on various ingredients and substitutions just to get a salad.
"I like it how I like it," she said.
Don't we all? It can be a bit much when there are strict requirements. Yours sound minor and pretty innocuous, even for someone charged with bringing you things. Wanting eggplant on a sub would be a quirk; asking the sandwich artist to pass that plastic bin is nothing.
As for your guy ... since this must actually bother you, it's worth telling him that you wish he'd not say that. You know he's just playing, but it gets under your skin. If he's as good as you say, that should end it.
Dear Double Take, I have a two-part question. One: If I don't plan on ever getting married -- I mean ever -- is it wrong to even date? Does it mean that I am keeping all the "good guys" instead of leaving them for the other "good girls," who at some point want to marry?I ask this because I am currently involved in a two-year relationship, but I don't plan to get married, and he doesn't want to get married at this point in his life, either. My roommate thinks I'm wrong for even dating someone seriously or for this long. Am I?Part two: Now that we've talked about marriage, what about children? Should people, especially women who say they don't want children, even bother having them? I don't think I'd be a good parent and therefore don't want to take the risk of finding out.
EDDIE SAYS:
You're happy with your relationship. Your boyfriend is happy with your relationship. But your roommate thinks you're somehow wrong because you don't want the same thing out of life that she does.
The problem isn't you. It's the gal you live with. It's fine for her to offer her opinion, and the right thing for you to do is thank her for sharing and help her find a good catch.
You don't have to get married. If you've got a partner who gives you what you want long-term, stick with that. If you want no entanglements that last more than a few weeks, that's fine, too -- so long as you're honest about all that with the men who could suffer if they don't get the truth.
Same goes for kids. I can tell you that sometimes if you're ambivalent or unsure (who isn't), you can still be good at parenting. But if you don't wanna, nobody's going to force you.
ALANA SAYS:This all comes down to being honest with your boyfriend -- I mean, really honest. If you were to date him and say you "just weren't ready" for marriage, you'd essentially be telling him that you would be ready eventually. But if he knows that you never intend to get married and he's OK with that, then no problem.
However, we get plenty of letters from people who say their significant other doesn't want to get married, and while the letter-writers (in most cases) pretended to accept it, they're secretly plotting to somehow change their partners' minds.
Of course, if you were totally honest with your boyfriend, it's not your problem if he decides to hold out hope -- but it sounds like that isn't the case.
Your roommate might not agree with your outlook on life, but this is none of her (or his) business.
As far as kids go: By all means, if you don't want them, please don't have them.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
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