Special note to Double Take fans: Alana has been a feminine voice of reason since this column started. However, she's moved on to something else -- taking care of her new baby daughter. In her place, please meet Betty, who is sure to provide advice and answers that can help you through any problem.

Dear Double Take,
My daughter is 21, single and has an 11-month old baby. She is talking about getting married.
I know it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for a wedding, but what if there is a baby involved? Should I just pay for half?
What about her wearing a white dress? I say that she should not.

EDDIE SAYS:

Many of the trappings of a wedding harken back to times when women were given, as property, to others. Many continue to follow them, because they seem right and have lost those meanings.

Yes, the bride's family sometimes still pays -- even though it's not longer because they're happy to be rid of her financial drain. There are still families where only the man works, but mostly we're a nation of two-income marriages. Along with that, people have found that figuring out who pays for what -- including the groom's parents -- is a negotation, and that's something you'll need to talk about with your daughter. Find out what you can offer, and where her expectations lie.

Of course, the white dress was meant to symbolize -- well, let's just say purity. That boat has clearly sailed for your daughter. But in today's society, most brides would fail to fit strict requirements of that code. So if she wants the same princess dress all her friends -- and all the models in the magazines -- wear, nobody will be scandalized by the discrepancy.

BETTY SAYS:

Although it is traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding -- it is unreasonable to expect that the same rules apply in this day and age. If you are able to compensate half of the event costs, I hope that your daughter sees this offering as generosity, not a shortfall.

In my opinion, a wedding day is truly the bride's day -- not the mother of the bride's day. If she feels like wearing a fuchsia dress with a chartreuse veil -- then so be it. Sarah Jessica Parker once said that her greatest fashion faux paus was wearing a black dress to her own wedding. If your daughter doesn't get to wear the color of her choice on her wedding day, she may regret it for a long time.

Also, I think that honoring your grandchild as part of the momentous occasion will be a sign of goodwill toward your daughter. How about offering your services as a "babysitter" during the ceremony and reception? Besides, a wedding is all about celebrating a new family.

Dear Double Take,
I have a boyfriend who is a few year olders than me. He is popular, and doesn't want anybody to know about our relationship. My best friend is his sister; she knows that we are together. I don't mind that he's trying to keep the relationship private, but the problem is that when I'm hanging out with her and he's there with one of his friends, he is mean to me.
Please help, I don't know what to do!

BETTY SAYS:

I hate to break it to you, but if this man can't publicly acknowledge you as his girlfriend -- and is mean to you when you're in a group setting -- he doesn't have any respect for you.

I'm also sensing that your boyfriend is keeping your relationship under wraps to mask a truth. Is he non-committal? Do you think he's trying to remain single on the surface so that he is perceived as "available" to other women?

I advise that you take the time right now, while you're young, to learn a lesson in respecting yourself.

Also, I worry that this relationship may damage the one you have with your best friend. Break up with your boyfriend, and then have a heart-to-heart with your best friend and let her know that you still want to stay close friends. But make sure you don't trash her brother in the process, just let her know that girlfriends last forever, no matter which guys may come and go.

EDDIE SAYS:

There was an episode of "The Wonder Years" where good ol' Kevin was teased about his friendship with an outcast (I think she wore three pigtails). Kevin offered to be secret friends; the girl saw through it and realized that was no friendship at all.

You need to do the same. Whatever you're giving to this guy in secret -- and at this point I hope it's nothing more than homework help -- he just wants that. He allows you to call yourself his girlfriend, as long as nobody else knows, which is just to keep you doing what he wants.

Basically, you are being used for some purpose. If that's enough for you, fine -- though that's pathetic. You're much better off without that tag. It's hardly even a breakup, since it's not really a relationship.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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