Dear Double Take, I have a complicated situation that has arose solely because of myself. I have been with my current boyfriend for 4½ years now. We have two beautiful children together. Things have always been rough and rocky for us.For about the last year, I have been sleeping with his best friend. I'm actually falling in love with him. I do not want to be with my current boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him, and with financial situations being the way they are, I have been living with him and dealing with the fights.I don't know how to tell him I want out, and I don't know how to tell this friend that I am in love with him and he completes my world. I grew up in a family with no divorces and no split parenting. I am big on holidays and do not want to be away from my children on holidays, and I fear that a split between their father and I will do them harm.How do I tell my boyfriend that I no longer love him and do not want to be in his life anymore? And how do I tell this friend that he is the only person I want to be with and love?
ALANA SAYS:At least you've overcome your first obstacle: You've decided you need to tell these guys what's going on.
That's a good thing. As much as the news is going to hurt your boyfriend, and as much as the split might affect your children, it's much better than living a lie like this.
To address your question: There's no easy way to share this kind of news. You need to be straightforward with both the men in your life. Tell your boyfriend what's been going on, and then tell his friend how you really feel. It might end up being a huge mess for a while, but getting things out in the open is well worth it.
EDDIE SAYS:That's one way to keep divorce out of your family: Don't get married to the man you want to have kids with. And if you decide you can't keep your hands off of another guy and want to make a trade, you don't have to hire a lawyer. Very convenient.
Not so handy for your kids, but there you go. I'm not saying that holy matrimony would have prevented this from happening, just chipping away at your idea of your traditional values.
And, despite my scolding, you're still where you are.
Actually, I think you should try staying where you are. You say you don't want to tear your family apart, so why do it just because you might be in love with some other guy? If your kids carry the most weight, then you owe it to them to make a real shot at trying things with your boyfriend.
You didn't have anything horrible to say about him, just mentioned fights. I wonder if a lot of that is because of tension coming from the fact that you're sleeping around. If you decide to work at keeping your family together -- and actually commit to it yourself -- you might be able to avoid the breakup you say you dread.
Dear Double Take,I have been with my boyfriend for 5½ years. Recently he has been hanging out with a bunch of his newly single friends. I feel like he is wanting to live the single life. He doesn't come straight home, he doesn't answer his phone, and he lies about what time he is leaving work. There are nights that he does not come home until 5 a.m.When I ask him where he has been, he always replies with, "Up the street." If I ask him again, he tells me it is none of my business.I feel like it is my business because we live together and are in a relationship, but he says just because he is my boyfriend, it doesn't make him my business.I have been through a lot with this man, and we even have a mortgage together in both of our names. I finally blew up, and he told me that I should move and get my own place.Should I move out and try to make things work with this man that I love with all of my heart and adore, or should I make him move and be done with him since he is the one in the wrong? Please help. I am a wreck right now trying to figure out where my life is going.
EDDIE SAYS:Before you get to a decision about who should move out, you need to figure out if things can be saved.
Moving out and then trying to reconcile seems unlikely -- though I wouldn't be surprised if you become someone who writes a letter down the road along the lines of "We broke up six months ago but we still sleep together. What should I do?"
Since you wrote, it sounds like you want to at least give things another go. But you need changes. So your first step must be asking your boyfriend if he wants to keep going. And make clear that a "Yes" to that question is also saying yes to being more up front about his habits and more of a homebody.
If you can't reach an agreement negotiating over those points -- and he may not even want to put it on the table -- then you have to be willing to walk away to protect yourself.
You can work out the details on the house at that point.
ALANA SAYS:You aren't being unreasonable in asking your boyfriend how he spends his time -- it's part of being in a relationship.
It does sound, though, like he has no interest in being part of a couple anymore. He isn't respecting your questions or concerns, and he suggested that you move out.
Take Eddie's advice and have a heart-to-heart with this guy. If he agrees to your terms (and be fair about them), great. If not, it's time to pack up. It sounds as if you've been putting up with disrespect for long enough.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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