Dear Double Take,My boyfriend and I have been on and off for five years now. I want to move forward. The only problem is he still lives with his ex-wife and their two kids.I tried to accept it in the beginning because he said he couldn't afford to move out or that he needed to stay because of the kids. I tried to encourage him that single parenting is hard but if you want a relationship to work then you need to move on. I am a single parent myself.He has been around my daughter, but his kids are off limits. He said his ex wouldn't like it.He said his room is in the basement; however, I have gotten a few calls from her that say otherwise. I don't know if I should keep hanging on or not.He keeps reassuring me that we will be together someday, but that someday is looking further into the future than I had hoped. Also he tells me he understands if I can't handle his living situation and because he loves me he can let me go. We've been through a lot in those five years, and it's hard to walk away from someone like that. I feel like he's a great guy in a bad living situation.I don't know how to tell if he is really committed to this relationship. What else I can do?
EDDIE SAYS:If you stick with a guy for five years and don't meet the daughter he lives with, you're not in a relationship -- you're someone he sneaks out to see.
If a man says he loves you so much that he'll let you leave -- not to move for a new job or something, just to end things -- he means that he doesn't love you that much and things would get easier for him if you went away.
He may very well love you a lot. For you to get the type of relationship you seem to want -- you know, one where you can actually spend time with him and meet his kid, like you actually exist in his life -- he would have to make a very big and painful choice.
Looking at that, he decided he likes the option of staying where he is. Disregarding whether or not he's lying about his living arrangement -- and he's lying like a wet towel on a pool deck -- he chose to go that way.
For your own sake, you need to opt for finding something new.
ALANA SAYS:It's time for an ultimatum -- and no more excuses. His tale is really far-fetched, but give him a chance to make that hard and painful choice Eddie mentions.
For you to stick around, he needs to move out of his ex-wife's place, and you need to become part of his daughter's life. If he doesn't agree to it, it's time to hit the road.
Yes, it's hard to end a relationship of five years. But going through a lot with someone doesn't mean you should stay together. Often, it means someone put you through a lot, and you should get away before he can wring you out any more.
Put that ultimatum in place -- with a very concrete timetable -- and if anything gets in the way of his following through with your requests, dump him.
Dear Double Take:I've been friends with this guy for two years. Just recently we decided to date each other. We have been dating for three months now and have been intimate with for the past month, too.He always comes over to visit me at my apartment, and he never takes me to visit his house. He lives with his married sister. Why doesn't he invite me to his house and meet his family? Is he embarrassed of me? Is he hiding something?
ALANA SAYS:Three months puts your relationship in its infancy -- which is telling in a couple of ways:
- Lots of guys don't show off girlfriends early on in relationships. Maybe he's just not ready.
- You don't feel comfortable yet asking him why he isn't introducing you to his family.
In my current relationship, it was months before my significant other's family even knew I existed, much less met me. Yes, I was a little paranoid about it, but it turns out this guy just didn't want to give his family personal details until he was sure it was going to last a while.
Another possibility is that he's embarrassed to bring you to his place because it isn't really "his place," and he doesn't want you to judge the tiny bedroom he calls his own at his sister's crib. Or maybe his sister has rules about him having girlfriends staying over.
The bottom line is that you have to get comfortable enough with this guy to ask him about it. As long as you ask him straight and don't make it sound like you're questioning your entire relationship because of this one fact, he's likely to give you the full story.
EDDIE SAYS:This is very different from the previous situation. That was someone who obviously was being put off and left in the dark.
You're just getting started and -- from the sounds of things -- have yet to ask what the deal is. Maybe he thinks you don't want to get entangled with his family or just doesn't want to put you through what some people see as a stressful situation.
Most likely, though, is that you've just gotten into a pattern, and he doesn't even realize you want to see where he sleeps.
If that's what you want to do, ask about it. If he gets evasive, write us again.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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