Dear Double Take,
I have been married for almost five years to my wife. Before we were married, we lived together for three years.
Two years ago she had an affair with an ex-boyfriend. She was honest with me about the whole thing, and I decided to stay and try to make it work.
Things were good with us a while, and then last spring she made a friend of the opposite sex. She would leave the bedroom in the middle of the night to text message and call him. Things went on for a month or so, and we had a pretty big blowout. Over the summer, things quieted down, even though I had suspicions of an affair the previous spring.
My wife travels for business during the winter months, and she often works with the same people. This was where she met what I call her spring fling. As the fall came and she started working again, she once again started contacting the man that I believe she had an affair with.
This went on through December until she came home after working away and told me that they had a fight. There was no contact between them for a few weeks, and then he sent her an e-mail stating that he was not in a position to care for someone else and that he was sorry for the way things had turned out.
At this time, she also stopped wearing her wedding rings, saying that they confused her. I thought that I pretty much had all the proof that I needed.
The problem is that I love my wife so much that I let her get away with this kind of stuff. Now there is another man involved. He is someone that she works with also.
I find a lot of my information by looking through her phone. I know that I should not do this, but my wife is anything but honest with me.
So here I am again! How do I put a stop to this vicious cycle? I want to make my marriage work.

EDDIE SAYS:

I congratulate you on and respect your decision to try to fight for your marriage.

Your wife, on the other hand, does not share you commitment. And one person holding on, making all the sacrifices and trying to figure out how much he can put up with isn't what a marriage should be.

She's a cheater and she can't or she won't stop, and it's clear that at the very least she was seriously thinking about leaving you. Yes, sometimes people can go to the brink, realize it's decision time and commit more strongly than ever to the initial relationship.

Clearly, your wife can't do that. She tried but quickly moved right back to the ledge, and not even with the same guy. She doesn't have one mystical connection with a very special man she just can't shake -- she's always falling for other people.

All warnings signs say that this union will head over the cliff someday. You get to choose if you wait for her to drive you through the guardrail or bail out now.

ALANA SAYS:

Why are you still around? Yes, kudos to you for trying to make your marriage work -- but it isn't. And you've given your wife plenty of chances to change.

She's even disrespectful enough to openly flaunt these indiscretions. Leaving bed in the middle of the night? Ditching her wedding rings? She's come to the conclusion that you're sticking around no matter what, so she can do whatever she pleases.

Your marriage isn't going to survive. It's time to do what's best for you despite your love and commitment to your wife. Take what's left of your dignity and get out.

Dear Double Take,
My daughter and her husband recently were divorced. My daughter and granddaughter moved in with us. My now-ex-son-in-law -- I'll call him "Bill" -- continued to live at the old house. He had his own appliance repair business. He was supposed to be out of the house in December 2006 but still continued to live there to clean up all the junk appliances he had in the garage and yard.
When we had cold weather, we let Bill stay at our house for what I thought would be a few nights, because the electricity had been turned off in the old house.
It is now the end of March, and he still is with us. I do not want to be mean, and his own family will not let him stay with them because he has caused hard feelings. His mom will not even take him in.
My daughter has given Bill a deadline to find another place to stay. I think he will stay until he is kicked out.
He does not have a job, other than a few repair jobs that he does now and then. Also, he still is taking the junk that he feels is all-important from the old house and putting it into a large trailer. He can't get organized to get the job done and get away from the house for good.
I know Bill is taking advantage of the situation, and I am tired of walking around him. I can't even be civil to him anymore. What should I do?

ALANA SAYS:

I think you've accurately read this situation. Bill is milking this situation for all it's worth, and he won't leave until you make him.

That said: Should you make him leave? It depends largely on how your daughter feels about it. She's probably trying to keep things civil with her ex for her daughter's sake. You shouldn't create waves without at least discussing it with her first.

That doesn't mean you can't do anything, though. This guy isn't just a house guest; while he's in the house, he can have chores and other responsibilities. Charging him rent might be a bit of a stretch if he doesn't have a job, but it might be worth considering.

Let your daughter help you form a plan with how to deal with Bill. That will ensure that your family is all working toward the same goal in the same way -- to get this guy to move out.

EDDIE SAYS:

The decision does not rest only with your daughter. It's better to have her on board, but if it's your house, you have a lot of leeway to make runs. You're generously letting your daughter stay, but she may have the same problem as Bill -- collecting junk.

Unfortunately, her junk is a person.

Or maybe not so unfortunate: Rusty washing machines can't be expected to get themselves up and out of your life. Bill can.

You won't have to lug him onto a hand truck and call someone to haul him away, but you probably will have to make it clear that the deadline is real, and that if he's not ready, there will be consequences. Maybe that means you'll toss out his stuff or let someone else load it up.

Does this make you a bit mean? Maybe. But if you tell him ahead of time what's happening and even help him try to find a place or get his life in order, you're doing more than is really necessary.

Bill can either let himself get set out by the curb, or he can sell himself as gently used and find a new home, but that's up to him.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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