Dear Double Take,
I'm having a problem with a guy who doesn't seem to "get the hint." Months ago, I had met this guy when my friend began chatting up his friend. From the get-go, I explained to him that I was not interested in a relationship that was anything more than friends.
My situation began with him calling quite a bit to invite me to different places on a regular basis. He at one time asked me to dinner, and I told him I felt that was more of a date and I wasn't interested. It got to the point where he called daily. I don't speak to my family and closest friends this much.
It really began to bother me that he was treating me like his girlfriend, so I told him that I felt he was looking too much into our relationship and that I only wanted to be friends and perhaps we shouldn't talk anymore. Two weeks went by with no contact. Then he contacted me to tell me he was sorry for acting so "weird" and explained how he had just broken up with this girlfriend (in actuality it was over a year ago). He said he sought the companionship of a girl and vented those feelings on me.
I felt bad and took him back as a friend, but stressed to him that was it, nothing more nothing less -- just friends. We're back to the same routine except now he calls every other day. The last time I picked up the phone, and asked him why he had called, he said just to talk. Again, I don't call "just to talk" with my closest friends.
Per suggestions from guy friends, I stopped taking his calls without notice. He now calls about once a week without me picking up. He's continued to call eight to 10 times without me returning his call in any way, shape or form. Do I just continue to ignore his calls, or should I pick up and tell him that, again, he violated my comfort level with his neediness and I don't want any contact with him? Why doesn't he get the hint? I thought I made it abundantly clear!

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds like you're a victim of your own kindness. Telling a guy you just met you're only interested in being friends is a nice way of saying, "You're not my type, and I don't really want to see you ever again."

That said, you did the right thing by laying down the law -- but then you let him right back in. Be honest: You have no interest in being friends with this guy. You don't ever want to talk to him again.

There's nothing wrong with that -- but you need stop things like this before they get so out of hand. You answering his calls every day and chit-chatting with him without letting him know he's crossing a line is just encouraging him.

At this point, though, you're headed toward never talking to him again. If that's what you want, there's no reason to pick up the phone for him again -- ever. If you do, you're saying you want to be friends in some respect. If you don't, he'll give up eventually.

EDDIE SAYS:

Here's a bit of advice I've given over and over: Men don't get hints.

Women suffer the same thing, sometimes, but very few guys get any kind of subtlety. They hear what they want and act accordingly.

It's like that old joke, "I would only date you if you were the last man on Earth, and we were responsible for keeping the species going." "So ... you're saying there's a chance?"

Now, since you've told this guy you can try being friends again, he thinks he needs to try more, that you're just busy, that he needs to show you he's still there for you, etc.

The only way to get it to stop -- at least, the thing that might work, since you know that what you're doing now isn't getting the job done -- is to pick up just once and ask him, nicely, to stop calling you at all.

Dear Double Take
I've been with my boyfriend for more than three years, not including the two years we were co-workers and friends while in other relationships.
Our relationships ended a few months apart, making us available to date.
In the first three months, I became suspicious when he wouldn't take me to his house. He finally admitted to losing the house. Then I found out he lost his second job and second car.
After years of a loving but boring relationship, his bills exceed his income, he owes back taxes and is being garnished for the car he lost. He has moved in with me, borrows from me weekly -- and pays me back -- and can't afford to take me out. We can't take vacations unless I pay.
He pays one-third of the rent, nothing on utilities and is broke after that. I make good money and am self-sufficient. If I knew the truth about his situation, I would have left him at the friendship phase.
What can I do now? He apologized for misleading me and claims to have been honest since. I don't know what to do. I love to travel, but I don't want to pay for him, and I don't feel I should have to. I've never considered marrying him.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of leaving him. The problem is he has bonded with my family, and I am embarrassed as a three-time divorcee to have another failed relationship. What should I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

You should dump him, already.

You don't love him -- at least, it's clear that you don't respect him -- and you haven't made any formal commitment.

To anyone who writes and says "I think every day about leaving" when there aren't kids involved, I would probably encourage to go. In this case, when you're with someone who isn't the kind of partner you want and who can't change things after years of (presumably) trying, you need to find something that suits you better, even if that's just the freedom to live without his burdens.

If your family really is a concern, I'm sure they would rather see you happy than with someone who is holding you back from the life you want to lead.

ALANA SAYS:

Is it really your embarrassment that's kept you with this guy for three years? I really hope it's more than that -- that you have feelings toward this guy and just wrote this letter when you were feeling particularly fed up. If not, you've really put your life on hold.

Either way, though, Eddie is right. You need to get out of this relationship.

The hardest part is going to be explaining to your boyfriend that you've been unhappy for so long and that a change really needs to happen -- now. He's not going to understand. He thinks everything has been fine; it's not like he's done anything recently to drastically change your relationship.

Learn from this experience. With your next boyfriend, be honest about what you really want -- and worry less about what your family thinks.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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