Dear Double Take,My husband and I have been married four years. Before we got together, he tried to have an affair with his secretary. She stills works with him. I do not feel comfortable with this arrangement.When we got married, she told me not to come down to the office. They often have lunch together, even though he never meets me for lunch.I have found some X-rated e-mails she sent him, and his e-mails to her have been sexually suggestive. I also found a half-nude picture of her on our computer last year. He said he didn't know about it and that it was taken by her friends on a vacation she took earlier, he had seen them, but thought they had all been deleted.I do not feel this is appropriate behavior.She also attended our high school reunion this summer just to see people she knew there. I overheard her tell some friends of my husband's that he considers her his eye candy at work.I get fumed at the mention of her name. He says they have a friendship and she's thought of as one of the boys. Believe me -- she's no boy!I feel threatened. My first marriage ended in divorce when my husband left me for his secretary. He says I'm being overly sensitive.
EDDIE SAYS:As previous advice-seekers will tell you, I stand proudly in the get-over-your-jealousy, men-and-women-can-be-friends camp.
Some situations dictate stepping away from the territory I staked out, however. Yours qualifies.
No one thing really stands out -- most of it could pass for joking. All of it together sound suspicious, but telling you to stay away from the office crosses a line (even if the lunch together thing could just be that you're not as conveniently located).
Fuming and going off the deep end every time something happens, though, won't get the changes you want. Try calmly letting your husband know that it all seems a bit odd, especially since she's not very kind to you. Makes it look like she has more in mind than friendship, even if it's just a power game with you.
Don't make any demands, but ask him what he thinks could be done to make the situation seem more tame.
ALANA SAYS:The situation is definitely suspicious, especially given their history together. Your husband's behavior is inappropriate, and you're entirely within your rights to demand some changes.
But, as Eddie said, instead of flying off the handle, do your best to stay calm when you discuss this with him. Come up with some specific situations -- their going out to lunch alone together, for example -- and explain why you find it inappropriate. Explain that you feel threatened. Remind him how your last marriage ended.
If he refuses to change his behavior or tries to belittle your feelings, don't just let it go. This could end up being a deal-breaker.
Dear Double Take,I am 32 years old, and my boyfriend is 33. I have been with him since I was 22, and have an 8-year-old son. We have been living together for about six years.On my birthday two years ago, my boyfriend took me out to choose an engagement ring. I did, and that was the last I saw that ring.I told my mom about it that day, and now I am so embarrassed to face her. My family thinks I'm crazy to put up with my boyfriend. I do love him, but I'm starting to become very depressed. I have asked him if he wants to marry me, and he says "soon." This June will be 11 years since we met, and still no ring. What do you think?
ALANA SAYS:It seems as if your boyfriend had a plan to sweep you off your feet with a marriage proposal, he could have carried it out in the two years since you picked out a ring.
I'm not saying he doesn't want to marry you. I'm just saying he's a procrastinator.
You need to let him know how much this bugs you. Or even propose to him. If your relationship is fine in other aspects, there's no reason to think he's purposely putting you off. He's probably just really comfortable where things are and doesn't see any reason to hurry.
However, if you make it clear that you want to get the ball rolling, he'll probably jump right on board.
EDDIE SAYS:Some people will tell you never to make an ultimatum in a relationship. Others don't want to "force" someone to propose, but want their lovey to want to propose.
Sometimes, though, someone needs to give things a kick start.
That's where you find yourself. Maybe he really wants to marry you, maybe he doesn't. But if you're letting him off the hook with vague answers about when it's going to happen, it might not change.
Tell him that you're not happy with how things are. Tell him that you want to get married, and soon. If he has real, specific objections, you can deal with them -- or at least make a full analysis of if your relationship will work for you as is.
My guess is that he'll think, "Oh, she's serious. Guess I better crawl behind my dresser and find that box," and you'll be planning things soon enough.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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