Dear Double Take
I am a 29-year-old widow raising three sons -- ages 3, 4 and 8 -- on my own.
I've been in a biracial relationship for nine months now. Things are going well, and I truly believe I am in love with the man.
My late husband's family doesn't approve, and in order for me to get any kind of help raising my children -- such as baby-sitting while I go to work -- I have to lie to them and say I'm not seeing him anymore.
It's not the fact that I'm seeing a man who is not their son; I've been dating for two years, and I have been widowed for four. It's the fact that he is of a different race. It creates tremendous stress on my relationship.
He has said that if things are going to continue between us, I will have to quit spending time with my late husband's family, and they have said the same thing. I believe family is important and my kids should spend quality time with their dad's family, but they should also be taught that this is what happens in today's world. I don't want them thinking they cannot date someone they really like just because they are a different race.
What should I do?

EDDIE SAYS:

You should start looking at other options for watching your kids. It's not easy or cheap to find good care, but you need to have a fallback position.

Then, find ways to let it slip that you're dating this guy again. If they question it, tell them you know their views, but it's really not their concern.

If they force things, you can move to your backup plan. That doesn't mean cutting them off from your children, but if they say they won't help if they don't like your behavior -- assuming you are doing nice, stable things and just dating a guy they don't like -- then they will have to deal with those consequences as well.

Is it very easy for me to suggest that a single, working mom risk some of her support network? A lot easier than living it, that's for sure.

But it is your life to lead and your children's lives to manage. You know that it's up to you to take care of those things, and you get the biggest vote.

ALANA SAYS:

Family is important -- and it's great that you're making such an effort to keep your late husband's family in your children's lives.

But your happiness is also important. If the family's problem really is just the racial thing, it's wrong to succumb to their narrow-mindedness. As you said, you'd be teaching your children that judging people by their race is acceptable.

You know this already. The problem is that you're a single mom without a lot of extra cash available for child care -- I get it. But take Eddie's suggestion: Do some research into your options. Perhaps there are some community programs for child care that cater to families like yours, or maybe you have other family members or friends who can help out.

Be honest with your late husband's family, but don't stop spending time with them unless they initiate that kind of a situation. If they know what's going on and are still willing to see you and the kids, keep the relationship alive as best you can.

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Dear Double Take:
I'm a single mom, and I am having trouble with my son. He is very smart, although lacking in motivation. As a result, he is barely passing the seventh grade when he should be in the gifted program.
He has shown signs of resentment toward me, including a letter he wrote explaining why he feels I don't deserve any respect, treating me rudely at home and making fun of me with other people.
He has recently become withdrawn because I grounded him because of bad grades and is starting to get violent, slashing many holes in his bed. I suspect he did this with a missing kitchen knife, but I have not been able to locate the knife. I have taken him to counseling, have been to therapy myself and am not sure what to do at this point.
I have told him I don't appreciate his treatment of me and the fact that he doesn't respect me, despite all I do for him. We are living in a district I can't afford to be in, just to give him the benefit of a great education, yet his grades have gone from mediocre to failing.
I recently decided enough is enough. I informed him that we will be moving, and he can either go to his dad's or move with me. He flip-flops, says he doesn't care, then says he'd rather live with his dad -- a grown-up kid himself who only recently started paying child support.
To make it all worse, his dad lives in New Orleans. While my son would be attending an excellent school, I worry about crime, hurricanes, my son turning out to be like his dad, etc. My current boyfriend says it might teach him a valuable lesson, and he'll probably beg to come back.
I am unsure of what to do. I don't want to live in a home where I am afraid my son -- who is now bigger than I am -- may snap and attack me. I don't want to put my son directly in harm's way. I don't want my son to resent me for sending him away. Help!

ALANA SAYS:

Well, you can't really renege on the deal now that you've told your son he can choose where he wants to live. And maybe your boyfriend is right -- maybe living with Dad is just what the kid needs.

It's not unusual for a boy that age to act out verbally, as you described with the rude treatment. But the physical violence is worrisome. A missing kitchen knife isn't something that should be written off as "normal" teen behavior.

On the other hand, at least your son is communicating with you. The letter he wrote to you must have been extremely hurtful, but so many kids just withdraw completely and don't bother to try to rationalize their behavior to their parents. This communication makes me think that counseling might not be a waste of time. You said you tried it -- did it not work? You might try going together for family counseling.

Of course, as a responsible mother, you're going to worry about your son if he isn't living with you. But maybe his dad will have a positive effect on him. Or, as your boyfriend said, your son will realize how good he had it with you.

Just try to be patient. Those teenage years are tough. Being vigilant about your son's behavior is the most important thing you can do, and you're already there.

EDDIE SAYS:

Clearly, something needs to change here. You've tried the lesser steps -- talking, counseling and the like -- and things are getting worse. He's not on the right path with you, right now.

Going to live with your ex may not be the exact right thing for him, either. But sometimes you just have to do something different. If it were obviously a detrimental move -- for example, if his dad was not stable, there were not good schools, etc. -- I would advise against it.

But if there are possible advantages, it could be the point at which things start to get better.

Just make sure that you stay in touch and give it a little time to see which place is really better for your son.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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