Dear Double Take, My boyfriend of 6 months and I have a problem -- his ex-girlfriend.They dated for 4 years and lived together for 3 1/2 of those. It is now about a year and 4 months after their breakup, and they are determined to stay good friends.Ever since he and I started dating, his interaction with her has been a problem. He used to see her up to three times a week, platonically, and only since I complained (a LOT), he has cut it down to once a week. She continues to invite him to do things like catch a movie or have a beer, or bake a cake at her house.I've told him that I feel that having lunch once a week is more than understanding on my part, and his going to her house -- for any reason -- is completely unacceptable. This past weekend, he threatened to break up with me because he feels that I'm "never going to be OK with his ex."I feel that he's asking too much, and I wonder why he would be willing to lose me over these supposedly "just friendly" activities with her. I should say that I don't think they're physically involved; I just think neither of them understands boundaries for friendship with people with whom you've been intimate in the past! Is there something I'm missing here? Am I being played for a pansy?
ALANA SAYS:I think you're right on target -- I'd go insane if a guy of mine saw an ex that frequently.
When you signed on to be the girlfriend, you never agreed to "be OK with his ex." It would be one thing if he were seeing her amid a group of friends, or if he had to work with her or something. But I'm a pretty firm believer that after a relationship of four years, exes can't really be friends. It just doesn't work -- there are just too many emotions involved to make it a normal friendship.
I'm not hinting that he's cheating on you. But he's certainly still emotionally involved with his ex, which is not OK.
It sounds like you've already agreed that one meeting a week at a neutral location is OK. And, yes, I think it's generous of you. Stick to it. If he's going to break up with you over this, it means he's not over his ex yet -- in which case your relationship is already doomed. Be sure to tell him that should he threaten it again.
EDDIE SAYS:Both of you women are wrong.
Assuming his spending time with his friend isn't taking away from you needlessly, why should you get to set a limit? Does he tell you how often you're allowed talk to your friends?
Her womanhood and their past status shouldn't be a factor. It's probably a good sign that he remains friends with his ex. They had a long-term connection, and probably a lot of good times. People are too quick to throw away connections because something doesn't lead to marriage.
Some say, "If they're so close, why break up?" Maybe they have different opinions on something big, such as whether to have kids. Maybe they decided they lacked that magic needed to commit to each other romantically forever, and that they are meant to just be friends.
Again, if you're not getting the attention you need, you can discuss that as a matter of time spent on just hanging out, not necessarily who the time is with.
Otherwise, you're just trying to control him needlessly. If he doesn't want that kind of relationship, you'll both be happier if it doesn't go much further.
I don't think there need to be different rules for exes. But then, I don't believe they need to be banned from weddings, either. I realize that
many, many people are going to disagree with me. But their connection doesn't really harm you or your relationship, except to the extent that you want him to stick to your rules.
Dear Double Take,I am 27 years old and have a 4-month-old baby boy with my fiancé. He has two children from his first marriage who are 10 and 4 years old. We live together in a home I owned prior to meeting him. His daughters stay with us two days a week and every other weekend.When my fiancé's daughters are with us, he sleeps with them in their bed, every weekend we have them. He says they are insecure and have been through enough and that they don't need him sleeping with another woman. Plus, they go to bed whenever they want, even on school nights. It's always after 11 p.m. by the time they get to bed. I feel they are too young for that lack of structure.I also feel kids should be taught that parents do sleep together. I think it's abnormal and detrimental to their mental and physical development for him to be sleeping with them. To me, it's almost gross.I have repeatedly told him that I don't think it's right, and he just ignores me. I also don't want our son growing up thinking that his parents don't sleep together.I have told my fiancé that our son will have a bedtime, he will pick up his toys -- his daughters are not required to -- and he will sleep alone, in his room.How do I approach this subject? Am I just overreacting, or does it sound like I'm on the right track?
EDDIE SAYS:After considerable searching, I've found a bright spot for you: You're finding out about all this before you're married, when there's time to reconsider that decision.
These things need to be worked out before you make your relationship permanent -- at least, more legal than it is after having a baby together.
I could get into the specifics of your complaints -- you're right that his girls should learn to sleep on their own, you're wrong that it's likely to harm them physically, and setting rules and responsibilities is great for kids -- but your real issue is compromise.
I doubt you could work with a household that has separate rules for half-siblings, although the age spread will mitigate some of that. Keep it clear that your son will be raised in a certain way, but you'll need to give on some things with the girls. Pick a couple things that are the most troubling about how he handles them, and make it clear that those are the deal-breakers, if indeed they are. That may mean that you get clean floors and a warm body in your bed, but have to deal with conscious children until 11 p.m. That may be the best trade you can get -- at least until he reads the literature you leave laying around about the benefits of sleep.
And while I may be cruel to say this now, it's a shame that you didn't notice and fix some of these things before procreating.
ALANA SAYS:Eddie's right about trying to find middle ground. Putting a few ground rules in place for the kids is something the two of you should do together.
But your insisting "the girls need discipline" probably isn't helpful. Instead, come up with a couple realistic ideas for rules and pitch them to your fiancé -- such as a set bedtime, if only for weeknights, or something about putting toys away before bath time.
And about the sleeping issue: He's not the only dad who doesn't want to sleep with a woman who is not his wife in the presence of his daughters, especially while the girls are so young. However, that doesn't mean he has to sleep with the kids. Isn't there another place he can go -- a guest room, a couch -- so he feels comfortable with the message he's sending and you feel comfortable that the arrangement isn't "gross"?
It's a tough situation -- and a very personal one. As Eddie says, with the girls being as young as they are, there's probably no harm in the sleeping arrangement. And take heart -- it won't be too long before the girls aren't going to want Dad sleeping with them, either.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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