Dear Double Take,
My husband and I relate and communicate well -- until his mother and sister visit. My husband is extremely close with his family. He and his mother and younger sister talk at least once a week. My husband was young when his father suddenly died. The scare of losing his mother from cancer a decade ago changed my husband's focus from his career to becoming very close to her. He also improved his "big brother/father" relationship with his much younger sister.
When my husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law are together, they gather around the TV and watch some type of sports activity. I guess this is where they most feel their husband's/father's presence/memory. During the holidays, they literally do this for several days nonstop. I don't want to do only that while they are visiting.
I've tried to reach out to my sister-in-law, but she barely responds to my e-mails and discusses what I've asked her with her brother instead of calling me directly. I've asked him if she is upset with me over something, but he says that everything is fine.
On one visit, my sister-in-law made decorating suggestions for our home, and my husband instantly began putting pictures in the area she suggested -- even though I had inquired about the same pictures a day earlier, and he told me that he wanted to wait two weeks. When I inquired about the placement of several pictures, he spoke strongly to me in front of his sister and mother. I've spoken to him about how this makes me feel, and I think he finally saw himself when I pointed out his double standards.
Our home is mine and his equally, and I hate being made to feel like I'm simply being tolerated while they take over. I'm tired of this behavior and, at this point, would really rather not be bothered by negative energy in my home. There are three of them and one of me ... what to do?

ALANA SAYS:

There's no easy way to resolve this one. You can insist that your husband and his family partake in other activities while they visit, but you'd be the bad guy if they are indeed bonding around the TV in memory of his dad.

To avoid making their visit an unpleasant time for everyone, you're going to have to make some subtle moves.

First, start with your husband. When his family is planning a visit, sit down with him and plan some activities. Certainly some TV time should be on the list, but go into the visit in agreement about how you'll spend your time.

Does your husband know how excluded you feel when his family is around? If you haven't talked about it, do so. Point out some specific examples, but be careful not to rag on his family, because that will just cause a fight. Tell him how he could help you feel more included.

Next, keep reaching out to your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It sounds like it might be a long road -- and perhaps, in the end, it might not wield dramatic results -- but maybe you will eventually grow closer to them, and they'll make more of an effort to include you.

EDDIE SAYS:

I don't know if I buy the analysis of why they watch the games. More likely, that's just when the good stuff is on, it's a tradition (or habit) or that's just what they enjoy when they have the time.

The why doesn't matter, though. And Alana had a bunch of good ideas. But you also should be prepared for them just not wanting much change. In which case you can just fall back on your friends or hobbies to fill part of the time. Surely you can veg on the couch for a bit, as well (and read or something if the big game doesn't draw your attention).

They should be more open to things. But if you try and they aren't, find ways to spend time with them and also doing things that you'll enjoy.

Dear Double Take,
I am 18 years old and have been with my fiancé for almost four years.
We have a 2-year-old son together, and we're very happy. But there is one problem with all of this -- his mother.
My son and I have lived with my fiancé and his parents since my son was born. We named him after my finacé's brother, who had Down syndrome and died when he was younger.
Since my son was born, my fiancé's mother has tried to get custody of my son and acts like he is hers. When he cries and I am in the process of comforting him, she comes running and takes him out of my arms. I don't want to say anything to upset her, so I just leave it be.
Truthfully, I can't stand it and it's been bugging me. My finacé and I have been talking about it, and we both are fully aware of the situation. Do you have any advice as to what I should do?

EDDIE SAYS:

Many times, the answer here is: "You're an adult. Stand up for yourself and set some boundaries."

But -- if you'll forgive me here -- you're barely an adult.

With a 2-year-old child, though, it's time to start acting the part. I'm sure you do it in many ways. But this is one more step you'll have to take, and it's a two-pronged attack.

Now that you've got your man's support, the both of you need to have a talk with his mother. It doesn't have to be: "Here's what you're doing to torque us off." A more gentle approach goes along the lines of: "We're so grateful for your help. But sometimes you try to do a little too much. We need to handle most of the burden so we can be ready when it's time for us to go out on our own."

After that, when she tries to grab your tyke, tell her you've got it, and move out of the way. Eventually, she'll get the message.

ALANA SAYS:

Eddie's right on the money; a talk with your fiancé's mom is in order here. But maybe there are some actions you can take, too.

If you're annoyed when your future mother-in-law oversteps her boundaries, you have to make sure you're not leaving her any holes to fill. It might be great when she offers to feed or bathe your son -- and maybe you take her up on it more often than you should.

My point here is: If you want to be treated like a parent, you have to step up and be the parent. Perhaps once she sees you're handling the role, she'll back off.