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Professor Wrestling: Being There

'Judgment Day' Thoughts

POSTED: 10:17 pm PDT June 2, 2005
UPDATED: 3:36 am PDT June 3, 2005

Listen up! Class is in session.

This week, the lecture centers on attending a live event -- as I wax poetic about WWE "Judgment Day." This "Smackdown!" pay-per-view was at the Target Center in Minneapolis a few weeks back, and Professor Junior tagged along with me to see the tumblers in person.

P.J., 8 going on 9, was in hog heaven. As we got to the arena, his No. 1 priority was to spend his extra $10 as soon as possible on WWE merchandise. Lets just say it didn't buy him much. For $8 he bought a pair of Rey Mysterio wristbands. For another $3 he bought the Rey Mysterio rubber bracelet. I threw in the extra buck (Hey, I'm a softie.) I also thank the good Lord he's not infatuated with the WWE title. A replica of the belt was selling in the $250 range. Two sold in the time we were scrunched in line. Who has that kind of money?

Another question I pondered as we settled into our seats: When did big-time wrestling productions get so slick? When I was a kid, there were no video boards, no fireworks, no music. Just wrestling and corny storylines. Now it's corny storylines, glitz and a bit of wrestling if you're lucky. Actually, I take that back. When Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio locked up for their match, it was top-notch.

Professor Junior ate it up. Both performers were fantastic, executing their best moves to perfection. In the end, Eddie was disqualified for going after Rey with a chair. I was a bit ticked (I want clean finishes) – but it made sense to go that way. The Eddie-Rey feud is one for the ages, and we were lucky enough to see a thrilling chapter in person.

Professor Wrestling Junior
Professor Wrestling Junior, showing off his Rey Mysterio wristbands.

P.J., in his Rey mask (one he got with some action figures), asked me if he could yell "Eddie Sucks!" Being a good father, I obliged, and joined him. There's nothing better than jeering a quality heel in an arena. Speaking of that, there's also nothing better than singing "You suck!" when Kurt Angle enters the arena. Mark my words, class, it's worth the price of admission.

What I didn't like in the Angle match (with Booker T) was the injection of a sleazy sex angle. Hey WWE, my kid is 8 going on 9, can we tone it down a bit? I know I'm taking a risk by exposing Junior to this stuff, but does it have to be so vile? I had to cover his ears in a few spots. But the stuff in the Angle storyline wasn't half as bad as the junk coming out of the mouth of the knucklehead sitting in front of us.

This guy, after a few cocktails, started spewing obscenities I've never heard. And I'm a champion swearer. P.J. just chuckled, asking, "Dad, is he drunk?"

"Yep, he's very drunk," I replied. "Just ignore him."

And we did, which wasn't hard. There was plenty going on in front of us to drown out the doofus. For example, how did this Heidenreich guy get so popular? The crowd was totally into what he was selling –- the goofy walk, the "friend" search, his bad poetry. It just goes to show you don't really have to know how to wrestle in this game. You just need a gimmick that the crowd likes. Just ask Hulk Hogan.

The main event was JBL versus John Cena in an "I quit" match for the WWE title. I think I was one of four people in the arena holding up a pro-JBL sign ("JBL Is My Hero"), and the kid next to me (not my kid, another kid) didn't like it one bit. She was a Cena fan, and thought I was an old Republican who should be shuttled off to the nursing home. I didn't fight her on either of those points -- but I lustily cheered for the best talker in the game today: John Bradshaw Layfield. It didn't matter, though. Cena had just come out with a rap CD that week and wasn't about to drop the title.

P.J. liked the fact that the match lasted a long time, Cena won, and both men -– who traveled all across the arena -- bled heavily.

Minneapolis, Minnesota
The crowd cheers Cena's victory.

"You know what they call it when they bleed like that?" I asked. "Yeah, it's called 'wearing the crimson mask,'" he replied.

A chip off the old block, I thought. The kid is learning about the greatest spectacle in America, and can't get enough. Just like his dad, the masked softie. I wonder if he'd like one of those $250 belts?

(Professor Wrestling is a masked employee of Internet Broadcasting Systems. He loved it when his old man brought him to the matches, too.)


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